1. Two hillbillies from Arkansas are sitting at a railroad
station waiting for a train. The first guy says, "You know
Clem, the
train won't be here for another three hours, what can we
do to pass the time?"
Clem responds, "Well, gee Bobby Joe, I don't know. How 'bout we play some kinda game?"
"A game?," says Bobby Joe, "what kinda game?"
"How 'bout a game of Twenty Questions?" replies Clem.
"Twenty Questions?," says Bobby Joe, "how do ya play that?"
"Well," says Clem, "I write down a word
on a piece of paper and you try to guess what the word is by the
time y'all ask
me twenty questions."
"Okay," says Bobby Joe> "You write down
a word and I'll ask you the questions. With that Clem takes out
a piece of
paper, thinks for a second and writes down the word "Horsedick."
"There, I've writ down a word, now ask your first question," says Clem.
Bobby Joe asks, "Is it somethin' ya can eat?"
Clem thinks for a few seconds and responds, "Well, yeah, I reckon ya can eat it."
Immediately Bobby Joe responds, "Is it horsedick?"
2. Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane
that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great
golden throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well,
I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need
to save the
world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the
whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you
believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe
in power to the people.
I think people should be able to make their own choices about
things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone
else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
3. A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an
ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone,
and
my wife here wiil have a vanilla." He then slaps his
son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want,
fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says: "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's
really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants
a nice big truck. See
that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second,
he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in
town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy,
and I had that, too, until fat-head here came along."
4. The top ten things men understand about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
5. A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not
had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she
might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ
the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor
recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese
sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK,
take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now,
get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then
said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So
she
did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever
see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr Chang looked the woman in
the
eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face
rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
6. Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It
could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit,
his friends
decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible,
that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
7. A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand
in the
corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and
then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until
I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so
much, I got one
for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that
night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the
husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned
a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here,"
he said
to the "statue". "Eat something. I stood like
an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me
so much as a
glass of water.
8. Two guys walk into an airport terminal and approach the
ticket counter. Standing behind the counter is this beautiful
blond
with enormous breasts which the first guy can't take his
eyes off of.
She asks, "May I help you sir?" and he unwittingly
replies, "Yes, I need two pickets to Tittsburg." He
instantly realizes his
gaff and flees the counter in embarassment and leaves his
friend to obtain the tickets.
The second guy finds his friend nearby and asks, "You asshole, how he could you have said such a stupid thing?"
His friend responds, " I know, what a jerk I am.
All my life I've been obsessed with women's breasts and I thought
I finally
disciplined myself to ignore them and behave civily toward
women who are well-endowed and then I go and say something
stupid anyway. I don't know what happened."
His buddy, trying to console him says, "Don't worry
about it. It 's very common for people to sometimes allow their
conscious and sub-conscious to become confused and often
times people inadvertently say what they would only normally
think. It is very common and it happens to people all the
time."
"You really think so?" his friend asks.
"Of course," he says. "The same thing just
happened to me this morning at the breakfast table.There I was
having breakfast
when my wife asks me if I want another cup of coffee. So
what do I say in response. You fat bitch, you wrecked my
fucking life."
9. A guy had a real thing about the Harley's. His dad got him
a second hand one when he turned 18, but it looked as good as
new. His dad told him to take good care of it so that it
stayed that way, esp. he gave him a jar of vaseline to polish
it in rain
so that it never got rusty.
The very next day he went to her gal's house for dinner
on his new Harley. Before they sat for dinner, the gal told her
that
whoever spoke first at the dinner would have to wash the
dishes. When he entered the dining room, he saw a huge pile of
dirty dishes, as if no one had washed them for months. So
he just started to eat. Realising thast no one would utter a single
word, he started to fondle with his gal's tits. Everyone
just carried on with their dinner as if nothing hadf happened.
Then he
opened his zipper, stripped her naked and fucked her right
there on the table in front of her parents. Still, no one uttered
a
word. Through with the gal, he though that mom was kinda
sexy bitch, so he fucked her also right there. All this time the
dad didn't say a word.
Just then it began to rain. The guy just remembered his
Harley & vaseline. So he took out his jar of vaseline. Seeing
this the
dad said,"O.K. I'll do the damn dishes. Now put that
vaseline back."
10. Two hookers were on a street corner ready to start their
evening's work.They started discussing business and on of them
said. "It's gonna be a good night-I smell cock in the
air. The other hooker looked at her and replied,"No,I just
burped".
11. This man is laid out in the mortiary with a great wacking hard on. The pathologist says to the wife "What shall we do with that?"
"Cut it off and stick it up his arse", she replies.
The pathologist thinks this odd but carries out the wife's
wishes. As he is sticking it the man's arse tears start to stream
down the dead man's face.
"Told you it hurt you bastard", the wife says.
12. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile from them and you have their shoes.
13. Little Billy and his dad are driving home from the fair
one day when suddenly Dad whips out a cigarette. "Dad,
Dad, can I
have one?"
"Son, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"Gee Dad, it's not big enough to touch my a-hole."
"Then you cant have a cigarette Billy."
Ten miles down the road, Dad cracks open a beer.
"Dad, Dad, can I have one?"
"Son, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"No Dad, it can't"
"Then you cant have a beer Billy."
Ten more miles down the road, Dad sparks up a joint.
"Dad, Dad, can I have one?
"No son, your dick cannot touch your asshole, sorry."
The rest of the ride home Billy is very sad.
When they arrive home, Billy's grandma baked him a whole
plate of chocolate chip cookies.
"Gee Billy, you have a whole plate of cookies, can I
have one?," says Dad.
"Well Dad, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"Why yes Billy it can."
Billy replies, "Great, go fuck yourself, you ain't gettin
any of my cookies!"
14. One Day three friends were walking along and get stopped
by a hooker. She makes an offer of $50 to have sex on the
grass, $100 in the back seat of a sedan, and $150 on her
bed.
The first one offers her $50 and he has sex with her on the
grass.
The second guy coughs up $100 for sex in a car and she more
happily accepts and they went for it.
The thrid guy flaps out a stack of $300. She says, "Now
you see boys, this man has some class!" He looks at her in
a
funny way and says, "Class? My ass! Six times ON THE
GRASS!"
15. Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and
a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.
16. There was a guy walking on a beach, and he saw a pretty young lady with no clothes, but no arms or legs either.
He walked up to her and she was crying. He said, "Whats
wrong?" She said, "Im 25 years old, Im paraplegic, and
Ive
never been kissed." He said, "Well we'll just have
to fix that." So he picked her up, kissed her and set her
back down." He
started to walk away when she started to cry again.
"What's the matter now?" he said. She said,
"Well, I'm 25 years old, I'm paraplegic and I've never been
fucked." He
looked at his watch, walked up to her, picked her up and
threw her into the ocean. He said "Now you're fucked."
17. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair
on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he
said. "I also do a gram of Cocaine a day, a case of whiskey
a week, eat junk
food and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine," he said.